I Want to be a Guest on Praise the Lord!

Yes. You read that right. I would love to be a guest on Praise the Lord. You see, I have always been of the belief that if I can’t beat them I should join them. After all, who wants to be on a losing team? So, I decided to “sow a seed” and Gawd showed me in a vision that I should repent of my wicked ways, stop exposing the pimps and pimpettes and join a winning team!!!!! This is how I envisioned my debut performance on TBN’s Praise the Lord. 

Carmen: So brother, when did you receive your breakthrough? 

Phil: Glad you asked Carmen. Being an apologist wasn’t much fun. Scorn and ridicule follow anyone who stands up for Jesus. Creflo Dollar says Jesus was just an ordinary man so why take a bunch of heat by defending an ordinary man? So, I sowed a seed into T. D Jakes ministry and Gawd was faithful. He led me away from my foolishness and here I am today!

 Carman: T. D Jakes has done a lot of good for the Body, Amen? 

Phil: Amen! Yes, “Daddy” birthed my ministry. I now own a fleet of Bentley’s, two jet airplanes and a helicopter that shuttles me between the four churches I now own. Plenty of bucks rolling in and souls are being saved and I owe it all to sowing a seed and my daddy. 

Carmen: I notice you have a strange looking book with you. Will you be sharing with us tonight from your new bookShearing the Sheeple”? I personally was blessed by this book brother Phil. 

Phil: Thank you brother Carmen. This strange book is actually a bible and I thought it would be fun to bring it tonight and maybe even read from it a bit. I have an amazing word and I believe Gawd actually speaks to us sometimes through this strange looking book. 

Carmen: As we wait for Brother Phil, we have Fifty Cent singing PIMP, our new Praise the Lord theme song. 

Phil: Good evening ladies and gentleman. The Lord has given me a powerful word for you tonight. I believe that your breakthrough is awaiting you if you only have ears to hear and receive this powerful word that I will bring you tonight. 

Applause” 

Can I be blunt? Folks, you are being pimped. Turn to your neighbor and say “you are being pimped”! You have fallen for a false gospel and you are making false teachers rich and famous. When you sow a seed into these beasts’ ministries, you are buying jet fuel and paying for their designer clothes and lavish lifestyles while you drive a hoopty and shop at the second hand store. Where’s YOUR blessing? You are paying for cosmetic surgeries, 10,000 dollar bottles of wine and cash settlements to homosexuals. Your tithe money is actually sending people to hell yet you continue because you are a child of hell just like your heroes on this station. You are only interested in “Your Best Life Now” rather then your awesome life for eternity and you won’t change because of your greed and ignorance. You sit in your comfy chairs crunching on yummy muffins, drinking Starbucks coffee while these pimps tell you that God was the biggest failure in the bible and you shout “Amen”! 

Paul Crouch on the phone with his producer: “Jan’s silver and purple wig is spinning in circles. Get that *%#^&$* off the air NOW! 

Producer: I’m trying but something is wrong with the mother board 

Paul Crouch: “I don’t give a $%^*! Shoot him with Benny’s Holy Ghost machine gun if you have too! 

Phil: While you sit there wondering how you are going to pay your bills after the 7th offering, these pimps haven’t a care in this world because they have you! Without your money they would be forced to make an honest living by actually working. When will you stop enabling these pimps to live like kings? When will you stop allowing these heretics from blaspheming the name of your Heavenly Father? When will you realize that hell is a REAL place and your eternal destiny if you don’t repent now? WHEN I ASK? WHEN? WHEN? 

You claim to be “saved”. Saved from what? Frowning? Thinking negative thoughts? Having a bad day? Are you kidding me? You think you’re having a bad day now? Just wait until the day when the person who you believe is your Lord and Savior looks you in the eye and tells you “Depart from me because I never knew you”. Then, while you spend an eternity in constant torment, tell yourself “at least I had my best life then”. That’s some consolation. While you’re looking up at me, enjoying the most amazing life in the bosom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, don’t say I didn’t warn you!  Repent I say repent! Turn from your wicked ways. Sin is real and hell is your reality unless you repent and leave these money changers in your rear view mirrors. Repent from the teachings of the spirit of Jezebel with their seductive ways and flattering tongues. They are leading you to hell! Turn to your………. 

(TV screens set to TBN worldwide go blank) 

Producer to Paul Crouch: We’ve stopped the broadcast. 

Paul Crouch: Thank Gawd. Burn that tape and tell that *&&*(&^* he’s finished. Send a doctor over for Jan. Her face is an awful shade of blue. I’ll be returning to the wine cellar. I’m interviewing a new chauffeur tonight and I need to be in the right mood. 

Producer: Yes sir!  

Somebody out there care to finish my message?

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13 thoughts on “I Want to be a Guest on Praise the Lord!

  1. A-ha-ha+ha-ha 😆 Oh God, have mercy on my poor soul, should I drop dead from laughing too much!

    Phil, if you do get on PTL, I’ll send you financial support, and even mobilise others to partner with you. I could do with a sound message like that on TV every other day.

    Phil: I had you there for a minute, didn’t I Yomi? Where’s the post my readers will be blessed to read?

  2. Paul: Get my bath REady!
    Producer: which soap do you want?
    Paul: after the blankety,blank broadcast I need to lifted up. Bring me a bar of “Prophet Awareness Soap. While you are at it get Jan a bar of “If I be lifted up”
    Producer: I can’t they are out of stock.
    Paul: How will I know is this is the rigth driver!. I guess Jan will have to stay down and depressed.
    Producer: You better come up with something quick, Jan is trying on a green wig.
    Paul: It is the color of money? Get her two.

  3. I feel my breakthough about to come.

    How much are you charging these days to get public recognition as your “son in the gospel”

    Lol, if only the PIMPs would read this.

    Phil: To be recognized as my “son in the gospel” and really receive your breakthrough, for your seed gift of 50 dollars or more you will receive;

    My new book “Shearing the Sheeple” that comes with a companion study guide as well as Carmens new cd “Sychophant for the Pimps”.

    You will also receive a monthly newsletter and a whole bunch of other trinkets and such!

    Send all donations to;

    Phillyflash fleeces the faithful ministries
    666 Devilbird lane
    Corfu Greece

  4. Lol!

    Phil, you got me rolling on the floor. I can’t imagine if this were to be true. Men, you will surly ruin someone’s day and business.

    Turn to your neighbour and shout ‘I have been pimped’. 🙂

    Phil: I wish it were true!! I don’t think that TBN would ever let me on their show, but I still pray for that day to happen!

  5. Not in your widest imagination brother. 🙂

    Its funny, but back in the day, roughly 15 years ago, I actually preached on the local TBN station. Suffice to say I preached on tithing. After all, I was trying to get on TBN and make big bucks! Thank God He led me away from that nonsense!

  6. Funny. The “bait and switch.” I wish someone could and would ambush them like that…

    I remember hearing that “Holy Ghost machine-gun” clip. It is uncanny how they are able to keep packin’ ’em in after all these years, and all these heresies!

    Phil: Maxdaddy, I live in Greece and every tuesday night I invite some of the Orthodox priests that play tennis at my club over to my villa to watch TBN PTL. You should see their faces and listen to them howl with laughter at the disgusting display and messed up theology. It’s actually better then the WWE. Pure entertainment which is just what itching ears love to hear!

  7. Phil,

    I’m still waiting for my copy of ‘Shearing the Sheeple’

    Phil: You must send your very best love offering first Naomi. You know the rules, right:)

  8. We In America think we have the epitome of everything, and we don’t. I hate that the brand of religion these theological criminals spread over the waters is so pervasive.

    Actually, I watch with the same amazement, too. It is like watching “Cops” or “Wildest Police Videos” or something! My wife can’t STAND it! But I tell her that I have to stay current on the false stuff as well as stay up on what is true. You can fight an enemy ore effectively if you know his tactics.

    What takes you to Greece, by the way? Are you from there?

  9. Hey Phil, I was on TBN like Naomi!! It was pimpadelic!! I’m going to use the anointing I got off the cameras to get you a gig there buddy!!

    GaryV: Thanks for stopping by! I did a local spot back in the day and I wish I had stepped it up a notch. I guess I lost my ‘broadcasting anointing’ so I could sure use another dose if you have one to spare!!!

  10. Man of Gawd, I was praying dis morning when I perceive in my spirit dat I should sow a dangerous seed to the man of Gawd. Right now I’m going to empty my account and send you “my best love offering”. Aint you glad!

  11. LMAO….Praise God for you Phil! From one apologetic to another, the Ezekiel Spirit still lives on and is much needed in these last days. Most people just want the Candy Jesus, the blessings of our Lord and savior without the scarifice of giving up the world! They don’t want to hear the message of repentance, for the Lord said it is because they love their sin. I tell people, most people literally need the HELL scared out of them. That everyone thinks they are going to Heaven, but not everyone is going! If it was not so, he would not have created Hell! Hell scared the Hell out of Jesus and he understood why he needed to surrender to his fathers will! When he saw what lied before us, it was all worth it to him, to have all of his chosen loved ones with him in Eternity! I love my Jesus, he’s all mine and anyone else who receives him! He says that he knows who his chosen ones are and he knows who his enemies are, and he also says your either for me or against me, and if your not for me, your not helping! Amen! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

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