Yes. You read that right. I would love to be a guest on Praise the Lord. You see, I have always been of the belief that if I can’t beat them I should join them. After all, who wants to be on a losing team? So, I decided to “sow a seed” and Gawd showed me in a vision that I should repent of my wicked ways, stop exposing the pimps and pimpettes and join a winning team!!!!! This is how I envisioned my debut performance on TBN’s Praise the Lord.
Carmen: So brother, when did you receive your breakthrough?
Phil: Glad you asked Carmen. Being an apologist wasn’t much fun. Scorn and ridicule follow anyone who stands up for Jesus. Creflo Dollar says Jesus was just an ordinary man so why take a bunch of heat by defending an ordinary man? So, I sowed a seed into T. D Jakes ministry and Gawd was faithful. He led me away from my foolishness and here I am today!
Carman: T. D Jakes has done a lot of good for the Body, Amen?
Phil: Amen! Yes, “Daddy” birthed my ministry. I now own a fleet of Bentley’s, two jet airplanes and a helicopter that shuttles me between the four churches I now own. Plenty of bucks rolling in and souls are being saved and I owe it all to sowing a seed and my daddy.
Carmen: I notice you have a strange looking book with you. Will you be sharing with us tonight from your new book “Shearing the Sheeple”? I personally was blessed by this book brother Phil.
Phil: Thank you brother Carmen. This strange book is actually a bible and I thought it would be fun to bring it tonight and maybe even read from it a bit. I have an amazing word and I believe Gawd actually speaks to us sometimes through this strange looking book.
Carmen: As we wait for Brother Phil, we have Fifty Cent singing PIMP, our new Praise the Lord theme song.
Phil: Good evening ladies and gentleman. The Lord has given me a powerful word for you tonight. I believe that your breakthrough is awaiting you if you only have ears to hear and receive this powerful word that I will bring you tonight.
Can I be blunt? Folks, you are being pimped. Turn to your neighbor and say “you are being pimped”! You have fallen for a false gospel and you are making false teachers rich and famous. When you sow a seed into these beasts’ ministries, you are buying jet fuel and paying for their designer clothes and lavish lifestyles while you drive a hoopty and shop at the second hand store. Where’s YOUR blessing? You are paying for cosmetic surgeries, 10,000 dollar bottles of wine and cash settlements to homosexuals. Your tithe money is actually sending people to hell yet you continue because you are a child of hell just like your heroes on this station. You are only interested in “Your Best Life Now” rather then your awesome life for eternity and you won’t change because of your greed and ignorance. You sit in your comfy chairs crunching on yummy muffins, drinking Starbucks coffee while these pimps tell you that God was the biggest failure in the bible and you shout “Amen”!
Paul Crouch on the phone with his producer: “Jan’s silver and purple wig is spinning in circles. Get that *%#^&$* off the air NOW!
Producer: I’m trying but something is wrong with the mother board
Paul Crouch: “I don’t give a $%^*! Shoot him with Benny’s Holy Ghost machine gun if you have too!
Phil: While you sit there wondering how you are going to pay your bills after the 7th offering, these pimps haven’t a care in this world because they have you! Without your money they would be forced to make an honest living by actually working. When will you stop enabling these pimps to live like kings? When will you stop allowing these heretics from blaspheming the name of your Heavenly Father? When will you realize that hell is a REAL place and your eternal destiny if you don’t repent now? WHEN I ASK? WHEN? WHEN?
You claim to be “saved”. Saved from what? Frowning? Thinking negative thoughts? Having a bad day? Are you kidding me? You think you’re having a bad day now? Just wait until the day when the person who you believe is your Lord and Savior looks you in the eye and tells you “Depart from me because I never knew you”. Then, while you spend an eternity in constant torment, tell yourself “at least I had my best life then”. That’s some consolation. While you’re looking up at me, enjoying the most amazing life in the bosom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, don’t say I didn’t warn you! Repent I say repent! Turn from your wicked ways. Sin is real and hell is your reality unless you repent and leave these money changers in your rear view mirrors. Repent from the teachings of the spirit of Jezebel with their seductive ways and flattering tongues. They are leading you to hell! Turn to your……….
(TV screens set to TBN worldwide go blank)
Producer to Paul Crouch: We’ve stopped the broadcast.
Paul Crouch: Thank Gawd. Burn that tape and tell that *&&*(&^* he’s finished. Send a doctor over for Jan. Her face is an awful shade of blue. I’ll be returning to the wine cellar. I’m interviewing a new chauffeur tonight and I need to be in the right mood.
Producer: Yes sir!
Somebody out there care to finish my message?